#06: Partnership in grief
How to show up when your partner just suffered a big loss
šHi there. Itās been a rough couple of weeks for me with my father-in-law passing to cancer. There are many stories to write, but for now Iām going to keep it simple and share some things Iāve learned supporting Jesse and his family. Iām grateful to you readers for subscribing to this newsletter and keeping me accountable to writing (even when itās not my best).
This is the first time I had an extremely loved and close family member pass away. Most of the time, people fall into clear roles as a mourner (usually immediate family members) or a comforter (family and friends of the mourners). As a fairly new wife, daughter-in-law, and sister-in-law ā I wasnāt sure what role I played. He was my dad-in-America, in some ways the younger dad I always wanted. Yet I only knew the man for 5 years.
Shortly after, I just decided to default to being a comforter. In some ways, it was an easier role to play, to keep me busy in managing my grief and anxiety. I hope no one has to suffer the loss of a loved one for a longĀ longĀ time, but if you do or know anyone who has does feel free to share this post with them. I tried to be as specific, actionable, and tactical as possible.
š«š¬ Rally their community
A few hours after Jesseās dad passed, I texted a few of his friends to let them know what happened. I also asked them to help me in spreading the word with other friends. One of his friends asked me if Jesse was in a place where he would be ready to be contacted by friends. I paused, not knowing for sure what he would want that. I biased towards action and told his friends to message him. Even if he werenāt ready, I would rather he knew that his support system was there.
š²š„ Find ways for friends to help
The most common response to the news was āplease let us know if there is anything we can do to helpā. I didnāt realize it until now, but that offer adds a difficult burden on the person grieving to find ways for their community to help. Finding specific things people can help out with requires mental energy, which you frankly donāt have much of after your loved one just passed.
That said, I empathized with the people who responded that way. Until recently, I would have said the same thing. Especially with the pandemic, you have no idea what is happening, and it is hard to figure out specifically how you can take things off their plate.
Last week, a family friend who lived in Nebraska called us to offer their condolences and to buy as a meal. We ordered take out and she Venmoād us for what we spent. I thought that was a pragmatic way of offering to help. Everyone has to eat, even if that is the last thing you want to do. It inspired me and my friend to create a Gofundme for friends as a way to buy the family a meal and help.
š§āāļø Pre-empt their needs
Before his dad passed, Jesse and his sister spent a lot of their time taking care of his dad. When their dad passed, they also took on the responsibilities of closing out his life. Itās hard to prioritize and take care of yourself in these moments, so I looked for ways to make it easy to care for themselves. One role I often played was being in charge of food ā making sure we had a plan for dinner, to order takeout or delivery and ensure that people ate and hydrated even though they didnāt want to eat.
The other things that were helpful were finding a therapist for Jesse and reaching out to our rabbi to learn more about Jewish rituals on death. I hesitated at first, but ultimately went for it. Later I checked with him and was relieved they were helpful.
šļø Take time off of work to help with whatever is needed
There is a lot of work that happens after someone passes. I was naive to think that you can just spend time recounting memories and processing your feelings. When a person dies, their life ends ā but their bank accounts, bills, and business donāt just go away on their own. While Jesse and his dad had made arrangements for what would happen if he died, there were still many things Jesse had to figure out on his own.
I took time off work in the last 2 weeks to be an extra resource in closing off the things his dad left behind. The closest analogy I can come up with is being thrown into several projects, where the project manager is gone and you have stakeholders who need to be managed as you try to wrap up the projects. I tried to be the general athlete in this case moving around wherever is needed ā one day packing medical supplies and counting inventory, the next day reviewing finances and building spreadsheets.
š§š»āāļøFind ways that you can personally recharge
Jesse and I often talk about our relationship as a partnership. Throughout our relationship, weāve alternated squeezing each otherās hand, repeating our mantra of āweāre a teamā. In the last few weeks, Iāve been squeezing his hand, repeating this line. One night, I found myself missing him to say it to me, for him to squeeze my hand. I turned over to him and watched him sleep, knowing he felt as depleted - if not more depleted than I felt. The next day, I called and texted some of my girlfriends, sharing my situation and letting them know Iād need their support in these times. I donāt feel like Iām back to 100%, but I feel grateful for my constants for making sure my tank is no longer as empty.
š” what iām learning about grief
āAs for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a whileā¦But in between waves, there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart.ā - GSnow on Grief
Thank you for reading ā¤ļø Feel free to share with anyone who might benefit from this!